Laurie Schmitt Family Law

W. Michigan family law specializing in Collaborative Divorce

616.608.4634

Communication

The Do’s and Don’ts of Communication With The Other Parent

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 The unintended consequence of divorce often produces the inability of parents to effectively communicate about the children.  The end result is that parents often place the children in the middle of the continual war.  The goal should be to raise healthy and happy children, not to place them between adult hostility.  Both parents need to be informed about important issues regarding the children, and parents need to develop a way to communicate with each other for the well being of the children.  

The following are some of the largest issues between divorced parties:
  • Do: inform the other parent of medical issues regarding the children that take place during your parenting time
  • Don’t: attempt to hide medical issues regarding the children.  This is a behavior that is not in the best interest of the children.
  • Do: inform the other parent about special school, church, and extra-curricular events that the children will be participating in
  • Don’t: tell the other parent about these events at the last minute in an attempt to effectively prevent them from attending
  • Do: discuss with the other parent enrollment in extra-curricular events prior to enrolling the children, especially if these events will take place during the other parent’s time
  • Don’t: enroll the children in so many extra-curricular activities that it negatively impacts the other’s parent time with the children. Each parent should be allowed to have meaningful time with the children.
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  • Do: focus your future conversations with the other parent about the children, not about what caused you to seek a divorce.
  • Don’t: engage in non-productive conversations with the other parent.  There is no need to continue living through your divorce.
Parent do’s and don’ts
  • Do: be respectful in your conversations with the other parents, especially when the children are present.
  • Don’t: argue or engage in name calling with the other parent when the children are present.  This happens often during exchanges, and creates much anxiety in the children. Fake it until you can make it!
  • Do: respect that each parent has created a new life, to include a new lifestyle and rules for the children.
  • Don’t: disparage the other parent’s lifestyle or home life with the children
  • Do: try and work together to enforce and support common sense rules for the children in both homes.
  • Don’t: belittle the rules and enforcement of those rules at the other parent’s home.  This simply creates confusion with the children.
  • Do: talk to the other parent about school related issues or challenges that the children may be having
  • Don’t: decide the other parent does not need to be informed about school related issues. The children will benefit when both parents take an active role in the children’s education.

For assistance with your divorce and to learn more about how to develop positive communication with the other parent, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC to schedule an appointment.

I Want Custody of My Children, but I Love Facebook: Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during a custody case

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Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during your child custody case

Although my West Michigan family law practice involves meeting with clients about a range of issues, child custody issues are often the most challenging for my clients. The toll child custody takes on the individual parties’ emotions, children, and finances is the number one reason why I encourage people to learn more about Collaborative Divorce before things become too heated.

Child custody cases can be gut wrenching for all of the parties involved, depending on the nature of the case. Unfortunately, it is the emotional nature of child custody issues that makes my clients’ misuse of social media one of my most challenging issues as an attorney.

I get it. It feels good—even if it’s just for a moment— to blow off steam with a piping hot Facebook post (that doesn’t actually mention your soon-to-be-ex by name, so it’s harmless, right?). And all of those Facebook ‘likes’ on our child custody issue frustrations and woes can feel very validating at a time when we probably need validation from our friends and family the most.

However, if you stopped on this post because you think you are about to be involved in, are in the middle of, or are even nearing the end of a child custody issue, please DO NOT update your Facebook status until you have finished reading this.

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Here are my top seven recommendations I make to my own clients who are going through a child custody dispute:

  1. NEVER slam your ex on social media. 
  2. In fact, I instruct all of my clients to refrain from any and all Facebook updating, commenting, liking, or sharing that can be seen as making a comment on the case or disparaging the other party. Believe it or not, as good as the short-term adrenaline rush might feel to post your true feelings about the case on Facebook for the world, and especially your ex, to see, that’s all that it really does is heat up an already difficult situation.
  3. Better yet, stay off Facebook until your case is complete. Don’t use Facebook to share your life with the world while your case (and your child’s and your future) is pending with the court. It’s simple: if you stay off Facebook, nothing you say, innocent or otherwise, can be used against you, because it’s just not there to be found.
  4. If you decide to stay active on social media during your child custody dispute, remember that your social media photos are worth more than a thousand words. Never post pictures of themselves in bars, drinking alcohol, at parties, and definitely NEVER using illegal substances. What you may see as innocent pictures of a fun night out with friends, are now being shown in court as a way to support your ex’s effort to depict you as the worst parent in the world.
  5. Remember: If it is on your Facebook account, your judge will see it.
  6. Social media privacy is an oxymoron. If you think none of this applies to you because you are smart and have your social media accounts set to private, think again. You would be amazed at how many of my clients’ “friends” have been willing to provide their opposing party with access to their “private” social media posts and photos.
  7. But if your account is not set to private, your ex’s attorney IS regularly reviewing your activity. I know in my own practice I have looked at numerous Facebook accounts and have found photos including drugs and drug paraphernalia laying about the house, photos of people who are visibly intoxicated, photos that undoubtedly show an adulterous relationship, and read volumes of derogatory comments about the other party that go directly to the comment author’s own fitness as a parent.

The real take home point, in case you have missed it, is that when you are fighting for your children, stay away from Facebook and other social media while your child custody case is ongoing. What you post can be twisted and turned against you. Getting through a heated custody case is hard enough. There is no reason to make your attorney’s job as your advocate harder because of a ridiculous Facebook post.

Before you post that comment or photo on Facebook, remember your end goal: custody of your children. Facebook will be there for you when it’s all over.