Communication

Why Can’t Parents Get Along? Four Common Sense Rules

February 2, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

So many issues in divorce or custody cases are simply brought on by the unwillingness of parents to get along for the sake of their children. And yes, I said “their”, as children have, want, and need two parents.

So, what can you do to make your situation better with the other parent? Four common-sense rules, if followed, would go a long way to making your relationship bearable or even better with the other parent:

Watch your tone when you speak to the other parent, as they may read into your tone a meaning that just wasn’t there. You both know each other better than most people, and can push each other’s buttons. So, try to keep your conversation respectful in tone and nature.
Don’t argue or have adult conversations in the presence of the children. Arguing and adult conversations between the two of you should take place privately, as children do not need to be placed between their parents.
Don’t discuss any ongoing court case with the children. When children know about pending litigation, it only stresses them out about their future.
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Don’t let the other parent lure you into making derogatory statements to them that can, and most likely will, be used against you in court. The golden rule: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

When dealing with the other parent, keep your focus on your children and their emotional needs. This is no longer about you, your anger, or your resentment for the other parent. This is about what your children need…two parents who can show them they are still loved by both parents, and that it is ok for them to love both of you. It’s not hard to be the positive role model your children need.

CHILDREN ARE FIRST. GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

At Schmitt Law, PLLC we understand that the interests of your children always come first. Whatever your situation, Schmitt Law, PLLC is experienced, sympathetic and willing to help you achieve the best outcome for your entire family. Contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

Why Must Parents Be Disrespectful With One Another?

October 24, 2022 By Laurie Schmitt

Lately, there have been an overwhelming number of clients that have shared with me that every conversation, communication, and interaction with the other parent includes one or all of the following: swearing, name calling, arguing, obstructionist/undermining behavior, or outright tirades.

Why must these negative interactions take place? What is gained by acting this way? And what can you do if it is happening to you?

If you are at your wits end because every encounter with the other parent is a struggle, the following tips may be helpful:

Limit how you will communicate with the other parent: via email or text only.
Limit what you will respond to: only important and necessary subject matters related to the children.
In a moment of anger, do not engage in reciprocal negative communication.
Take control. You decide when you will respond to the other parent. There is no rule that you must respond immediately to someone who is acting inappropriately. Take a moment, calm yourself, and respond only to what is necessary. This may mean that you respond several hours later, the next day, or not at all if no response is necessary.
If the behavior of the other parent is completely out of control, request the court for an order requiring all communication to take place through Our Family Wizard. Our Family Wizard is an online service that allows you to communicate with the other parent regarding parenting time, exchanges, appointments and schedules of the children, and to request expenses to be paid. It takes the stress out of unwanted and unexpected emails, texts, and calls from the other parent. And, all communications are documented and can be used later in court, if necessary.

Unfortunately, some parents refuse to see the value in effective co-parenting, and refuse to be respectful in their dealings with the other parent. Know that you will never change their behavior. But you can take back some control and change how you react.

EXPERIENCED CUSTODY ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

If you are experiencing ineffective co-parenting with the other parent, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC to discuss what your options may be. At Schmitt Law, PLLC we are experienced in family law cases involving visitation and custody. Over the years, we have successfully represented hundreds of clients in complicated cases. For skilled legal guidance, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC online or (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

What Should I Ask My Divorce Attorney At The First Meeting?

July 18, 2022 By Laurie Schmitt

Asking the right questions at the initial interview will assist you in determining if you and the attorney will be a good fit to work together. v And, obtaining answers from the beginning of the attorney-client relationship can set a positive tone between you and the attorney. Remember, this is your interview. You should feel free to ask the attorney anything you have concerns about.

HOW LONG WILL MY DIVORCE CASE TAKE?

Under Michigan law, if there are no minor children of the marriage, the mandatory wait period is 60 days from the date of filing the complaint for divorce. If there are minor children of the marriage, the statutory wait period is six months from the date of filing the complaint for divorce. These statutory wait periods are defined in MCL 552.9(f). Realistically, a contested divorce in the state of Michigan can take 8-12 months.

WHO WILL I ACTUALLY BE WORKING WITH?

Will you be working with the attorney you interviewed with or an associate of the firm? Understand who you are hiring. If you will be working with an associate, meet them before you retain the law firm. The point of a consultation is to see if you can have a successful working relationship with the attorney. It’s hard to make that determination if you interview with one attorney, and your case is assigned to another attorney you have not met.

HOW WILL THE ATTORNEY COMMUNICATE WITH ME?

To avoid misunderstanding and frustration in your attorney-client relationship, understand how your attorney will communicate with you. Do they prefer communication through email, telephone, or text? Who will you be primarily communicating with – the attorney or their staff?

HOW OFTEN WILL THE FIRM SEND ME INVOICES?

Ask how often the firm sends invoices. You do not want to receive an invoice several months after you have retained your attorney only to find out that your retainer is completely depleted. Better to know each month where you stand financially with your attorney.

WHAT WILL I BE BILLED FOR?

Have a full understanding of what you will be billed for such as calls, emails, texts, document preparation, attendance at hearings, postage, and costs.

DOES THE ATTORNEY HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF ME?

Does the firm have rules about client use of social media during the pendency of your case? Do they have suggestions about how to communicate with your spouse while the case is ongoing? Do they want to be informed of discussions/issues that arise between you and your spouse, and how often? Does the attorney have other rules that may guide you smoothly through your divorce process?

WHAT DOCUMENTS WILL THE ATORNEY REQUIRE OF ME?

The earlier you begin compiling the necessary documents for your divorce attorney, the easier it will be for you. You can be assured that your divorce attorney will need documents such as your tax returns, paystubs, mortgage statements, deeds, titles, credit card statements, and retirement account(s) statements. Ask the attorney to provide you a detailed list of what they require.

IF YOU ARE READY TO GET STARTED WHAT ARE THE NEXT STEPS?

Typically, this would mean that you need to sign a retainer agreement, make payment of the retainer, and provide information for the attorney to draft the documents necessary to file your divorce.

MICHIGAN COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY

Schmitt Law, PLLC treats each and every client with understanding. We will address any questions and concerns that you may have in order to structure our representation accordingly. Whether you have a simple, uncontested divorce or a complex legal battle that must be litigated, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

Communication With Your Attorney

February 14, 2022 By Laurie Schmitt

It is important in the early stages of your relationship with your attorney to understand and agree to the preferred method of contact between you and your attorney. Do they prefer emails, texts, or telephone calls? If you establish an agreement about communication when you retain your attorney, you will find that communication, and responses to your communication will be more efficient.

Also, in the initial interview I inform clients that if they are going to be communicating with me from an email account, they should never use their work email account. When you communicate through a work email account, there is no expectation of privacy. What does that mean to the client? That means that any communication you have with your attorney may not be confidential. Your employer may have access to your email account. And, because you may not have any expectation of privacy from that email account, it may not be considered by the court to be confidential. If your email account is not confidential, all communication from it can be subpoenaed by the other attorney and used against you in court.

Similarly, to protect client privacy, clients should open a new secure email account for the sole purpose of communicating with their attorney. The reason for this safety measure is so your spouse cannot gain access to it. If you use a former email account, it may be that you spouse has the password to your account, or could guess what it may be. Open a new account, and password protect it with a password that is obscure, and one that you have never used before. There is nothing more horrifying than to know all of your email communication between you and your attorney has been compromised by your spouse.

Lastly, in January, 2022, Dearborn police reported that criminals have been attaching a small Apple tracker to people’s vehicles in order to monitor them for stalking or auto theft. Officials said Apple AirTags — quarter-sized GPS tracking devices designed to help people locate their wallets, car keys and other personal items — are being used to illegally track people and vehicles. Even though in Michigan, it’s illegal for a citizen to track anyone with a GPS device without their knowledge, it happens not only from criminals but with soon-to-be ex-spouses. If you have a concern that this will be an issue in your case, you can easily monitor for Apple Tags. This is automatic for iPhones, and clients using Android devices can be advised to download and install the app.

If you have questions about the best methods to communicate with your attorney, or any other questions related to the divorce process, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC and set up an appointment. Give us a call at 616-608-4634.

Rules For Texting, Phone Calls and Social Media

February 7, 2022 By Laurie Schmitt

If you have a contentious relationship with your soon-to-be ex, then the first statement I make to clients is to limit their communication with the other party to texting only, and to essential communication about the children. If it is not a legitimate issue that must be addressed with the other party, then do not send the text.

Be mindful that anything you text can be brought into court as evidence and used against you in a custody hearing or trial. Think before you send that text “do I want the judge to see this text?”.

Learn to have self-control when you receive a text that upsets you. You DO NOT need to respond immediately, or perhaps not at all. Nothing is gained by keeping the bantering going. This may sound easy, and I respect that it is not. It is critical for couples who do not get along to find a way to effectively communicate (leading to effective co-parenting). And, inappropriate texts/or responses to them can be used against you in court.

To address social media, my statement to clients is to not litigate their case on social media sites. Do not post inappropriate comments or pictures, or any information about your case. The information or pictures you post can be used against you in court. Again, ask yourself “do I want the judge seeing this information or pictures and will this put me in a bad light in front of the judge?”. Bad behavior on social media sites really cannot be explained away in front of a judge. For additional information about social media see my blog “I want to win custody of my children, but I love Facebook…”.

To summarize, while the other party may poke at you via text or phone calls, this is the time to dig deep and develop self-control about how and when to interact with your spouse. Learning that you do not need to respond immediately, or at all will lower your anxiety, hopefully reduce the back and forth between the two of you, and will protect you in the event that your case is required to be heard by the judge.

If you have questions about communicating with the other party while going through a divorce or custody battle, or any other questions related to the divorce process, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC and set up an appointment. Give us a call at 616-608-4634.

Questions for the Initial Interview With an Attorney

January 24, 2022 By Laurie Schmitt

Most people are overwhelmed when they find it necessary to meet with an attorney to discuss a possible divorce. And most people are unaware of what questions they should ask during the initial interview. It is also true that the biggest issue between a client and attorney is communication.

When you are at the initial interview, you want to make sure that you and the attorney will be a “good fit” and be able to work together effectively. If the following questions are discussed at the initial interview, there is less likelihood of misunderstandings with your working relationship with the attorney.

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How will you communicate with me? Do you handle most communication via the telephone, email, text, zoom, in person meetings, or a portal?
What time of day and what days are you available to communication with me? Is it simply regular business hours, or do you allow communication after hours and on the weekends? If you allow communication after hours or on the weekends, is it via telephone, cell phone, email, or text?
When I contact you, how long will it be before I get return communication from you? Do you return calls, emails, and texts within a specific period of time? If so, what is that timeframe?
Are after hours or weekend communication billed at a different rate other than your regular rate of pay? If so, what is that hourly rate?
Will most of the communication with your office be directly with you or other staff members? If it is with staff members, will I be charged for that time, and if so, what is that hourly rate?
What is your hourly rate, and is there a minimum billable time?
What will I be charged for? Calls, letters, emails, communication with your staff?

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If you ask these simple questions during the initial interview, you will have a greater understanding of how the attorney addresses communication with their clients, and whether their style of communication will meet your expectations and needs. As the divorce process is hard

The Do’s and Don’ts of Communication With The Other Parent

October 12, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

The unintended consequence of divorce often produces the inability of parents to effectively communicate about the children. The end result is that parents often place the children in the middle of the continual war. The goal should be to raise healthy and happy children, not to place them between adult hostility. Both parents need to be informed about important issues regarding the children, and parents need to develop a way to communicate with each other for the well being of the children.

The following are some of the largest issues between divorced parties:

Do: inform the other parent of medical issues regarding the children that take place during your parenting time
Don’t: attempt to hide medical issues regarding the children. This is a behavior that is not in the best interest of the children.

Do: inform the other parent about special school, church, and extra-curricular events that the children will be participating in
Don’t: tell the other parent about these events at the last minute in an attempt to effectively prevent them from attending

Do: discuss with the other parent enrollment in extra-curricular events prior to enrolling the children, especially if these events will take place during the other parent’s time
Don’t: enroll the children in so many extra-curricular activities that it negatively impacts the other’s parent time with the children. Each parent should be allowed to have meaningful time with the children.

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Do: focus your future conversations with the other parent about the children, not about what caused you to seek a divorce.
Don’t: engage in non-productive conversations with the other parent. There is no need to continue living through your divorce.

Do: be respectful in your conversations with the other parents, especially when the children are present.
Don’t: argue or engage in name calling with the other parent when the children are present. This happens often during exchanges, and creates much anxiety in the children. Fake it until you can make it!

Do: respect that each parent has created a new life, to include a new lifestyle and rules for the children.
Don’t: disparage the other parent’s lifestyle or home life with the children

Do: try and work together to enforce and support common sense rules for the children in both homes.
Don’t: belittle the rules and enforcement of those rules at the other parent’s home. This simply creates confusion with the children.

Do: talk to the other parent about school related issues or challenges that the children may be having
Don’t: decide the other parent does not need to be informed about school related issues. The children will benefit when both parents take an active role in the children’s education.

For assistance with your divorce and to learn more about how to develop positive communication with the other parent, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC to schedule an appointment.

I Want Custody of My Children, but I Love Facebook: Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during a custody case

July 19, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during your child custody case

Although my West Michigan family law practice involves meeting with clients about a range of issues, child custody issues are often the most challenging for my clients. The toll child custody takes on the individual parties’ emotions, children, and finances is the number one reason why I encourage people to learn more about Collaborative Divorce before things become too heated.

Child custody cases can be gut wrenching for all of the parties involved, depending on the nature of the case. Unfortunately, it is the emotional nature of child custody issues that makes my clients’ misuse of social media one of my most challenging issues as an attorney.

I get it. It feels good—even if it’s just for a moment— to blow off steam with a piping hot Facebook post (that doesn’t actually mention your soon-to-be-ex by name, so it’s harmless, right?). And all of those Facebook ‘likes’ on our child custody issue frustrations and woes can feel very validating at a time when we probably need validation from our friends and family the most.

However, if you stopped on this post because you think you are about to be involved in, are in the middle of, or are even nearing the end of a child custody issue, please DO NOT update your Facebook status until you have finished reading this.

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Here are my top seven recommendations I make to my own clients who are going through a child custody dispute:

NEVER slam your ex on social media.
In fact, I instruct all of my clients to refrain from any and all Facebook updating, commenting, liking, or sharing that can be seen as making a comment on the case or disparaging the other party. Believe it or not, as good as the short-term adrenaline rush might feel to post your true feelings about the case on Facebook for the world, and especially your ex, to see, that’s all that it really does is heat up an already difficult situation.
Better yet, stay off Facebook until your case is complete. Don’t use Facebook to share your life with the world while your case (and your child’s and your future) is pending with the court. It’s simple: if you stay off Facebook, nothing you say, innocent or otherwise, can be used against you, because it’s just not there to be found.
If you decide to stay active on social media during your child custody dispute, remember that your social media photos are worth more than a thousand words. Never post pictures of themselves in bars, drinking alcohol, at parties, and definitely NEVER using illegal substances. What you may see as innocent pictures of a fun night out with friends, are now being shown in court as a way to support your ex’s effort to depict you as the worst parent in the world.
Remember: If it is on your Facebook account, your judge will see it.
Social media privacy is an oxymoron. If you think none of this applies to you because you are smart and have your social media accounts set to private, think again. You would be amazed at how many of my clients’ “friends” have been willing to provide their opposing party with access to their “private” social media posts and photos.
But if your account is not set to private, your ex’s attorney IS regularly reviewing your activity. I know in my own practice I have looked at numerous Facebook accounts and have found photos including drugs and drug paraphernalia laying about the house, photos of people who are visibly intoxicated, photos that undoubtedly show an adulterous relationship, and read volumes of derogatory comments about the other party that go directly to the comment author’s own fitness as a parent.

The real take home point, in case you have missed it, is that when you are fighting for your children, stay away from Facebook and other social media while your child custody case is ongoing. What you post can be twisted and turned against you. Getting through a heated custody case is hard enough. There is no reason to make your attorney’s job as your advocate harder because of a ridiculous Facebook post.

Before you post that comment or photo on Facebook, remember your end goal: custody of your children. Facebook will be there for you when it’s all over.

Communication

The following are some of the largest issues between divorced parties:

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