Laurie Schmitt Family Law

W. Michigan family law specializing in Collaborative Divorce

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Mistakes

Divorce Mistakes To Avoid

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Divorce can be an overwhelming and confusing process. As most people have never been through the divorce process, they often don’t know where to begin. And mistakes made through the divorce process can have long lasting effects. 

1. FAILURE TO OBTAIN A MUTUAL RESTRAINING ORDER

    A mutual restraining order is a document prohibiting parties from disposing or hiding the parties’ assets. By having the court sign a mutual restraining order, it alleviates the concerns that either party may do so legally. If you have assets to protect, you need to request a mutual restraining order at the start of your case

    2. FAILURE TO OBTAIN AN ORDER ADDRESSING PAYMENT OF EXISTING DEBTS

    If you have existing marital debts, and cannot agree on how they should be paid through the divorce process, you need to request an order from the court outlining how these debts will be paid. The last thing you need is to leave your marriage with your credit destroyed because marital bills were not being paid or being paid on time through your divorce.

    3. DISCUSSING THE DIVORCE WITH THE CHILDREN

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    Children don’t have the emotional maturity to be burdened with adult information about your divorce. They may be struggling through your divorce process and shouldn’t have to deal with adult issues. The children need to know that it’s alright for them to love each of you, without having to take sides.

    4. TAKING LEGAL ADVICE FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS

    Friends and family mean well. Your friends and family may have been through a divorce, and can share their war stories with you. However, the domestic relations law is ever changing. And because all family law cases are unique, you may not necessarily receive the same outcome your friend or family member received. Get your legal advice from an experienced family law attorney.   

    5. GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS ON YOUR OWN

    Heading into a divorce without complete knowledge of the process can be risky. At the very least, obtain legal advice from an attorney before you get started so that you fully understand your option, expectations, rights, and responsibilities. At Schmitt Law, PLLC, we offer coaching and/or limited scope representation to assist you through the divorce process.

    6. ONLY MY “FRIENDS” CAN SEE MY SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS BECAUSE IT IS SET TO PRIVATE

    Don’t fool yourself. When there is a battle over the children, it’s not uncommon for your “friends” to provide the other parent with information, text, and pictures from your social media accounts. And yes, these comments, text, and pictures can and will be used against you in court. 

    GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

    We understand that filing for divorce can be an emotional and confusing experience. That’s why we are committed to providing personalized service to each client we represent and will be with you through this difficult journey. At Schmitt Law, PLLC we encourage clients to take a more collaborative approach to divorce that promotes positive communication and cooperation.  Through mediation or the collaborative divorce process, Laurie guides her clients through amicable divorce settlements so they can move forward with their life.  To discuss your circumstances and legal options, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation. Or contact us online to arrange a consultation.

    Co-Parenting Mistakes To Avoid

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    It may not be easy to maintain a working relationship with your ex. However, the well-being of your children depends on it. The following are commonsense tips for co-parenting with your ex.

    USING THE CHILDREN AS MESSENGERS:  Your communication with your ex should be directly to your ex, not through the children. When you use your children as messengers, you put them in the middle of your adult war. Parents should never involve their children in adult matters and discussions. Let your children be children and let them love you both.

    REFUSING TO RESPOND:  Communication is key to a successful co-parenting relationship.

    If your ex-contacts you regarding a legitimate co-parenting concern, respond within a timely manner. If you want to maintain joint legal custody, you need to be an effective parent. You need to work with your ex and respond appropriately. Your failure to respond can be read as your disinterest in what happens with the children. Your unwillingness to work with your ex can be used against you, and the joint legal status can be reviewed. Use your joint legal status wisely or lose it!

    Co-Parenting Mistakes to aviod

    REFUSING TO MAKE DECISIONS WITH YOUR EX:  Part of co-parenting means assisting in important decisions. Your ex-contacts you regarding a co-parenting decision.  You do respond but refuse to commit. A non-committal response is nothing more than failing to respond disguised as cooperation. Once again, if you want to maintain joint legal custody, then participate.

    FAILING TO TAKE THE CHILDREN TO EXTRA-CURRICULAR EVENTS ON YOUR PARENTING TIME: If the children have routinely participated in extracurricular events, both parents should honor the children’s involvement in these events. This means that when they are with you, take them to their games and practices. Failure to allow your children to attend extra-curricular events only leads to disappointed children.

    FAILING TO FOLLOW THE PARENTING TIME ORDER:  Your parenting time order defines the terms of your parenting time. Follow it or suffer the consequences of the court!

    BEING CONSISTENTLY LATE FOR EXCHANGE OF THE CHILDREN:  Your parenting time order clearly defines what time you are to be at the exchange of the children.  Prioritize your children and be at exchanges, on time!

    FIGHTING AT EXCHANGES OF THE CHILDREN:  What needs to be said about bad behavior at exchanges of your children? Fighting, screaming, yelling, swearing, and physical altercations have no place during exchanges. Your children are witnesses and innocent victims to your inappropriate behavior.  They learn from your actions. Be adults, exchange the children, and be on your way.

    In summary, if you place the needs of your children first, it’s not hard to make good decisions for the benefit of your children. If you share joint legal custody, you have equal rights in making major decisions for your children. If you want to maintain joint legal custody, put aside your frustration and anger with your ex, and participate in the decision-making process.

    CUSTODY ATTORNEY

    At Schmitt Law, PLLC, we help parents work together to create a parenting plan that is in the best interests of your children. Through mediation, collaboration, or litigation, if necessary, our knowledgeable Michigan family law attorney will be your advocate and help you through this difficult time. To schedule a consultation or learn more about our services, contact us online or call (616) 608-4634.

    The DOs and DON’Ts During Your Child Custody Dispute

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    The DOs and DON’Ts During Your Child Custody Dispute

    I don’t know if anyone is ever comfortable with the idea of “fighting” over their children, but child custody disputes are the most common and difficult—both emotionally and from a legal standpoint—areas of conflict that I see in my West Michigan family law practice.

    What do you do if you are one of those parents, and you find yourself on the brink of what feels like an emotional war over your kids. Or, what if it’s already turned nasty, and everything you do seems to be getting back to the judge?

    Begin by asking yourself: what type of parent do you believe you are? Would a judge think you were a good parent if they could see your behavior, even outside of the courtroom, during the case? Do your decisions reflect a parent that puts the needs of their children ahead of themselves? It’s important to understand that your day-to-day actions and words—whether done and said in the heat of an emotional conversation with ex or not— will make their way to the judge if your case goes to trial. And if you are reading this and thinking this won’t happen in your specific situation, I implore you to think again.

    Emotions and feelings of betrayal or entitlement aside, you need to understand what any judge hearing your child custody case will be concerned with.

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    Judges are concerned with the “moral fitness” or character of the person standing in front of them and that person’s ability to make good decisions as a parent. Yes, that means that whether you like it or not, or you think it is fair or not, your judge will use the evidence that is presented to her in your trial as the basis of determining your character. That means your judge is tasked by the law to make their best decision about who are you as a parent, and whether you truly put your kids’ best interests first, without the benefit of having seen who you may have been before you found yourself in this awful situation. So what do you do to ensure that your judge sees you in the light you see yourself as your children’s parent? Here are some DOs and DON’Ts I recommend to my own clients to help them prevail in their child custody cases:

    1. DO stay active with your children’s education, regardless of where your kids are currently staying during the   school week.

    • Attend all parent/teacher conferences, and stay in weekly contact with your kids’ teachers through email, by telephone or in person.
    • Be proactive about addressing issues your children may be having in school.
    • Make it a priority to attend all of your kids’ extracurricular activities, even if that’s something you and your ex used to divide and conquer. It’s a whole new world during a child custody dispute, and your focus should be on the importance of your kids’ education and development.

    2. DO get your kids counseling, even even if it’s just a few sessions with a therapist who can help them work through their new realities.

    Every child copes with change in his own way. Even if you think your children are handling things well, every child in the middle of a custody war between two adults they probably love benefits from having a neutral third party they can talk to about their feelings. Your children need to feel safe while this process is ongoing. And remember, your children feel your anxiety and frustration, even when you don’t think they are paying attention, take care of their mental health.

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    3. DON’T date during your divorce!

    • Instead, DO focus on your kids because it shows the court that you are placing the children’s needs ahead of your own.
    • But what if I really, really need to date? I am going to restate what I just said, in case you skipped over it to get to this section: DON’T date during your divorce. However, if you do choose to date,
    • DON’T introduce the children to your significant others. Be mindful that your children are struggling emotionally with the breakup of the family. If your significant other is important to you, and there is a genuine chance that they are going to remain in your life after the case, then they will understand that there will be a more appropriate time in the future for you to introduce them to your children.
    • That definitely means DON’T have your significant other spend the night when you have your kids!
    • DON’T spend the night away from home unless it is for business (and if it is for business, DO keep documentation). Staying the night away from home can show, once again, that your needs come before your children’s. And, it can be misread as a possible affair.
    • Even if you were never married to the other parent and are in the middle of a child custody battle, take note. Having multiple new people in and out of the children’s lives is not going to be viewed as healthy or appropriate by your judge. So, DON’T do it.

    4. DON’T use social media. For more insights into why I think my clients are best served taking a social media break during a child custody case, see a recent post I wrote on this very topic.

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    5. DON’T be insane!

    • That means DON’T engage in name calling, arguing, or using foul language in front of your kids. They’re already dealing with enough. Your inappropriate behavior toward your children’s other parent— in front of your children no less— demonstrates a lack of discretion, and it places your children on the front line of the war.
    • DON’T be insane in your written communications, either.
    • DO make sure that all verbal and written communication to the other parent is relevant to your children.
    • DO remember: Anything you put in writing can and will show up in court. If you send it, the judge may read it.
    • DO ask yourself before you hit send: Is what I am saying in this email or text really how I want the judge to see me? If the answer isn’t a resounding ‘YES’, delete it.
    • DON’T disparage your kids’ other parent in front of them.
    • Instead, DO focus your activities around your kids when they are with you.
    • DON’T spend what should be quality time with your children making sarcastic comments about your ex to them, or to others in front of them. By doing so, you may be unintentionally making your kids feel like they have to take sides on which parent they like more.
    • I’m guessing none of you really wanted things to go this way, but your kids are the ones with the least control in these situations, so DON’T add to their stress by making them feel like they are the frayed rope in an angry game of tug-of-war.
    • DON’T stalk, harass, or repeatedly call your ex. The last thing you need to have happen is the judge to call your mental health into question. And engaging those types of behaviors will certainly give the judge cause to ponder your character as a person and as a fit parent.
    • DON’T fight at encounters or exchanges. You are there to drop off or pick up your children, not to engage in battle with the other parent. And if you are having issues with the other parent’s behavior at exchanges, DO document the exchanges via video.

    6. DO continue taking your kids to church if that’s what you’ve done historically.

    • DO feel free to enroll them in church-related activities that are age appropriate.
    • However, if you and your children have no history of church attendance prior to the custody case, DON’T use your new-found interest in church as a reason to try to prohibit the other parent from weekend parenting time.
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    This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised:

    7. DON’T do anything illegal.

    • DON’T get arrested. Really, if you can’t stop yourself from doing things that could during your child custody case, why would the judge have any reason to believe you should be the parent who is awarded custody?
    • DON’T even risk the seemingly “silly little things” like driving without a license.
    • If your license has been revoked or suspended, DON’T drive. Doing so shows complete disregard for the law. Judges don’t like that.
    • DON’T use drugs and/or alcohol.
    • You may be required by the court to take a drug screen.If the other party has alleged that you have a history of illegal drug use—DO voluntarily obtain a drug screen during the case.
    • And, above all else, DON’T test “dirty” on any mandatory drug screens. That’s a sure way to say ‘goodbye’ to being granted custody of your children.

    8. DO behave as though all of your activities are being documented by a private investigator and will be used at trial.

    It’s not uncommon for private investigators to be hired in custody cases. Who knows your habits better than your ex? They know where you party. If they are attempting to make you look bad, what better way than to get video footage of you drunk at the bar. And while we are on the topic of bars:

    9. DON’T go to bars or nightclubs while your child custody case is ongoing. These types of activities will only make you look bad at trial, as there is no way to spin frequenting bars and acting like a drunk for a judge. Believe it or not, the risks of unintentionally behaving badly after a night at the bar far outweigh the benefits, even though it may not always feel that way.

    It may feel like the DON’Ts outnumber the DOs at a point in time in your life when you already probably don’t feel like you have much control. This is when I remind my clients that even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, their child custody case is not going to last forever. Remember:

    DO take your kids’ best interests into consideration before you say or do anything during a child custody case. Even if you believe you always have and do to this day, now is the time to be even more diligent. And honestly, your kids need it right now more ever. Custody battles are frustrating and hard. Judges make custody determinations specifically on whom they believe is really going to look out for your children’s best interests.

    DO give the judge as many reasons as possible to like you not only as a parent, but also as a person, and to rule in your favor.

    Fighting for your children is a hard enough process to go through.

    DON’T make choices or mistakes that you could easily avoid. DO everything with the best outcome for your children in mind.

    Ten Things “Not to Do Next” in Your Divorce

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    Ten Things “Not to Do Next” in Your Divorce

    You’ve heard it a million times that going through a divorce is difficult. As a West Michigan Divorce Attorney, I can state that divorce is full of challenging moments. However, with some common sense, you can avoid some common divorce pitfalls by following a few basic rules:

    1. Don’t start a new relationship. Well, Duh! Need I say more. Respect the current relationship and see it to the end. Don’t confuse your children with introductions to new “friends” while in the midst of the divorce. Judges don’t appreciate it, as it shows a lack of good judgment. And it will only fuel the fire in the divorce proceeding. If this is a person you intend to have a serious relationship with at the conclusion of the divorce, then they will understand that this is not the appropriate time to be introduced to the children.
    2. Couch surfing sucks! Don’t move out of the marital home without a plan. Changes will happen as you go through your divorce, so be prepared to deal with life as it comes at you. The biggest change clients struggle with is adapting to living on a now single income. During this turbulent time, you need to provide stability for your children. That means you need to provide an appropriate home for them while going through the divorce. So, don’t jump the gun and move out of the marital home without a solid financial plan, and a safe place for your children to visit or live.
    3. Don’t share the details of your divorce with your children. Divorce doesn’t mean hide the fact that you are going through a divorce from your children. But there are certain facts that should remain between adults. Allow your children to be children for as long as possible. Remember, the changes taking place in your life are also taking place in theirs. It’s hard enough for children to cope with major life changes. They certainly shouldn’t be burdened with adult conversation and information about the divorce. Adult conversation is just that!
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    1. Your children are not the Pony Express. Don’t use your children as a go between to relay messages to your spouse. If you are unable to speak to your spouse civilly, then hire an attorney to assist you. It will be their job to communicate with your spouse or spouse’s attorney during the divorce. But, don’t use your children as a form of communication between each other.
    2.  It wasn’t immaculate conception! Don’t think that because you are divorcing, you are the only parent. The children have two parents – and always will. Don’t force them to choose between their parents. They love both of you. So, avoid putting them in the middle of the hostility and anger.
    3. Your children are not Olympic gold medal winners! Don’t use extra-curricular activities to monopolize your children’s free time. If they didn’t participate in the activity while you were married, they most likely don’t need to participate in the activity while the divorce is pending. Now is not the time to enroll them in an excessive amount of activities, especially if these activities take place on your spouse’s parenting time. If you can’t agree on extra-curricular activities, the rule should be that parenting time with the other parent is far more important than participation in an extra-curricular activity.
    4. It’s not your way or the highway! We all know divorce is hard on children. It is hard enough for the children to acclimate to living in two households. Respect that there are now two households for the children, with two sets of rules. Although consistency is ideal, you can’t expect your soon to be ex-spouse to share in your beliefs and rules regarding discipline.
    5. Avoid purchasing big ticket items while going through your divorce. It’s not the time to buy a new car or home. Wait until the dust settles, and you’ve reached a settlement agreement with your spouse. Your spouse could claim that you used marital money to finance your new car or home. It then may become a marital asset to be divided in the divorce.
    6. Pay your bills. You need to continue to meet your obligations. If it is a joint debt, you remain obligated. There is life after divorce. And the consequences of your decisions during your divorce will follow you afterwards. Some people believe that getting a divorce means walking away from marital debt and starting over. No! You still have responsibilities – meet them.
    7. Your bartender is not your counselor! Use discretion when talking about your divorce. Don’t over-share all the details of your divorce with your friends and colleagues. Refrain from making every conversation about the trials and tribulations of your divorce. Some things are better left private. And, after the divorce, you want your friends to be standing by you.

    I Want Custody of My Children, but I Love Facebook: Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during a custody case

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    Why you should ‘unfriend’ Facebook during your child custody case

    Although my West Michigan family law practice involves meeting with clients about a range of issues, child custody issues are often the most challenging for my clients. The toll child custody takes on the individual parties’ emotions, children, and finances is the number one reason why I encourage people to learn more about Collaborative Divorce before things become too heated.

    Child custody cases can be gut wrenching for all of the parties involved, depending on the nature of the case. Unfortunately, it is the emotional nature of child custody issues that makes my clients’ misuse of social media one of my most challenging issues as an attorney.

    I get it. It feels good—even if it’s just for a moment— to blow off steam with a piping hot Facebook post (that doesn’t actually mention your soon-to-be-ex by name, so it’s harmless, right?). And all of those Facebook ‘likes’ on our child custody issue frustrations and woes can feel very validating at a time when we probably need validation from our friends and family the most.

    However, if you stopped on this post because you think you are about to be involved in, are in the middle of, or are even nearing the end of a child custody issue, please DO NOT update your Facebook status until you have finished reading this.

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    Here are my top seven recommendations I make to my own clients who are going through a child custody dispute:

    1. NEVER slam your ex on social media. 
    2. In fact, I instruct all of my clients to refrain from any and all Facebook updating, commenting, liking, or sharing that can be seen as making a comment on the case or disparaging the other party. Believe it or not, as good as the short-term adrenaline rush might feel to post your true feelings about the case on Facebook for the world, and especially your ex, to see, that’s all that it really does is heat up an already difficult situation.
    3. Better yet, stay off Facebook until your case is complete. Don’t use Facebook to share your life with the world while your case (and your child’s and your future) is pending with the court. It’s simple: if you stay off Facebook, nothing you say, innocent or otherwise, can be used against you, because it’s just not there to be found.
    4. If you decide to stay active on social media during your child custody dispute, remember that your social media photos are worth more than a thousand words. Never post pictures of themselves in bars, drinking alcohol, at parties, and definitely NEVER using illegal substances. What you may see as innocent pictures of a fun night out with friends, are now being shown in court as a way to support your ex’s effort to depict you as the worst parent in the world.
    5. Remember: If it is on your Facebook account, your judge will see it.
    6. Social media privacy is an oxymoron. If you think none of this applies to you because you are smart and have your social media accounts set to private, think again. You would be amazed at how many of my clients’ “friends” have been willing to provide their opposing party with access to their “private” social media posts and photos.
    7. But if your account is not set to private, your ex’s attorney IS regularly reviewing your activity. I know in my own practice I have looked at numerous Facebook accounts and have found photos including drugs and drug paraphernalia laying about the house, photos of people who are visibly intoxicated, photos that undoubtedly show an adulterous relationship, and read volumes of derogatory comments about the other party that go directly to the comment author’s own fitness as a parent.

    The real take home point, in case you have missed it, is that when you are fighting for your children, stay away from Facebook and other social media while your child custody case is ongoing. What you post can be twisted and turned against you. Getting through a heated custody case is hard enough. There is no reason to make your attorney’s job as your advocate harder because of a ridiculous Facebook post.

    Before you post that comment or photo on Facebook, remember your end goal: custody of your children. Facebook will be there for you when it’s all over.