Don'ts

What Is The Role Of A Mediator?

March 23, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

In getting your divorce settled, it can be a long and expensive process. However, there is an alternative – Mediation. So, what is a mediator, what makes it better than litigation, how does it work, and will the mediator be our attorney?

WHAT IS A MEDIATOR?

A mediator is a third-party neutral that helps you and your spouse reach an agreement on your divorce issues.

WHAT MAKES MEDIATION BETTER THAN COURT?

A successful mediation is one in which you and your spouse reach an agreement on the issues in your case. Reaching an agreement in mediation saves you and your spouse time and expense of litigation.

HOW DOES MEDIATION WORK?

In a typical mediation, the parties and their attorneys are present, and the mediator works with both parties and their respective attorneys to reach an agreement. Once the parties have come to an agreement, the mediator will draft a mediation agreement. Once drafted, you and your spouse will sign the mediation agreement, and the mediation agreement now becomes a binding contract that can be upheld in court.

IS A MEDIATOR AN ATTORNEY AS WELL?

Yes, a mediator may be an attorney. However, you and your spouse should not confuse the mediator’s role in your divorce. The mediator’s is to help you and your spouse settle your divorce case. But a mediator may not be used as a shared attorney for you and your spouse.

WHAT IS A MEDIATOR ALLOWED TO DO?

A mediator may:

Assist you and your spouse with collaboration and negotiations to help you reach an agreement
Identify you and your spouse’s needs and interests
Assist you and your spouse to communicate in a productive way
Remains neutral with both parties

WHAT IS A MEDIATOR PROHIBITED FROM DOING?

A mediator, even if licensed as an attorney, may not:

Function as a “shared” attorney for you and your spouse
Must not represent either you or your spouse in your divorce
Provide you or your spouse with legal advice
Comment on the fairness of the agreement
Advise either you or your spouse if you could get more in court
Must not favor one party over the other
Cannot complete your Judgement of Divorce, child support order, or qualified domestic relations orders

GET HELP FINALIZING YOUR DIVORCE. GRAND RAPIDS DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

Divorce in Michigan is a complicated procedure with long-term implications. It’s important to understand your rights and duties at each stage of the proceeding so that you will be in the best position to move forward during and after the divorce. Advice from an experienced divorce attorney can make all the difference in your outcome.

At Schmitt Law, PLLC, we work to ensure that our clients have the information and guidance they need to make the right decisions for their family and their future. Contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Holiday Parenting Time

October 18, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

Once again, the holidays are fast approaching. Children of separated or divorced families often find themselves in a difficult position…. torn with loyalties. Children grow up fast. Divorce can make the holidays difficult for both parents and children. Parents should shift their focus on building great holiday memories for the children to look back on.

Do: encourage your children to have a wonderful time at the other parent’s home
Don’t: make your children feel bad about wanting to spend time with the other parent during the holidays

Do: provide your children the opportunity to speak to the other parent (text, phone, skype) if it is geographically impossible for the children to spend time with the other parent
Don’t: grill your children when they return home from the other parent’s home

Do: give your children the time to spend with their siblings and step-siblings
Don’t: try to compete with the other parent for the children’s attention

Do: do allow the children to call their grandparents (from the other parent)
Don’t: make holiday gift giving a competition

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Do: allow the children to take their gifts to the other parent’s home
Don’t: don’t purchase the children’s gifts that you know the other parent would be extremely opposed to

Do: allow the children to come up with new holiday traditions
Don’t: dwell on old traditions (“when we were a happy family”)

Do: allow the children to attend school and church holiday functions, even when they fall on your parenting time
Don’t: ask the children to choose who had the better holiday, it’s not a competition

Do: understand that your children may be struggling with their loyalties and validate their feelings
Don’t: introduce new significant others to the children. The holidays are not the appropriate time to introduce the children to your new significant others as the focus should be on their time with you.

Do: be respectful with the other parent’s holiday time by exchanging the children on time and at the designated location
Don’t: purchase the children a gift that will be a financial burden to the other parent (unless you have discussed it with the other parent and agreed on the purchase)

Do: respect the other parent’s religious observations, or lack thereof, when you are talking to the children – if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all!
Don’t: over plan every minute of your holiday parenting time, to include spending the entire holiday parenting time traveling to see extended family

Do: understand that your children are older than you think they are, have friends, and are growing more independent…they may want to spend time with their friends over their holiday breaks
Don’t: argue with the other parent about holiday plans in front of the children

For assistance with your divorce and to develop a fair and equitable plan for holiday parenting time, contact me, Laurie Schmitt, at Schmitt Law, PLLC. I am an Attorney, Mediator, and Collaborative Divorce lawyer.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Communication With The Other Parent

October 12, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

The unintended consequence of divorce often produces the inability of parents to effectively communicate about the children. The end result is that parents often place the children in the middle of the continual war. The goal should be to raise healthy and happy children, not to place them between adult hostility. Both parents need to be informed about important issues regarding the children, and parents need to develop a way to communicate with each other for the well being of the children.

The following are some of the largest issues between divorced parties:

Do: inform the other parent of medical issues regarding the children that take place during your parenting time
Don’t: attempt to hide medical issues regarding the children. This is a behavior that is not in the best interest of the children.

Do: inform the other parent about special school, church, and extra-curricular events that the children will be participating in
Don’t: tell the other parent about these events at the last minute in an attempt to effectively prevent them from attending

Do: discuss with the other parent enrollment in extra-curricular events prior to enrolling the children, especially if these events will take place during the other parent’s time
Don’t: enroll the children in so many extra-curricular activities that it negatively impacts the other’s parent time with the children. Each parent should be allowed to have meaningful time with the children.

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Do: focus your future conversations with the other parent about the children, not about what caused you to seek a divorce.
Don’t: engage in non-productive conversations with the other parent. There is no need to continue living through your divorce.

Do: be respectful in your conversations with the other parents, especially when the children are present.
Don’t: argue or engage in name calling with the other parent when the children are present. This happens often during exchanges, and creates much anxiety in the children. Fake it until you can make it!

Do: respect that each parent has created a new life, to include a new lifestyle and rules for the children.
Don’t: disparage the other parent’s lifestyle or home life with the children

Do: try and work together to enforce and support common sense rules for the children in both homes.
Don’t: belittle the rules and enforcement of those rules at the other parent’s home. This simply creates confusion with the children.

Do: talk to the other parent about school related issues or challenges that the children may be having
Don’t: decide the other parent does not need to be informed about school related issues. The children will benefit when both parents take an active role in the children’s education.

For assistance with your divorce and to learn more about how to develop positive communication with the other parent, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC to schedule an appointment.

The DOs and DON’Ts During Your Child Custody Dispute

July 19, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

I don’t know if anyone is ever comfortable with the idea of “fighting” over their children, but child custody disputes are the most common and difficult—both emotionally and from a legal standpoint—areas of conflict that I see in my West Michigan family law practice.

What do you do if you are one of those parents, and you find yourself on the brink of what feels like an emotional war over your kids. Or, what if it’s already turned nasty, and everything you do seems to be getting back to the judge?

Begin by asking yourself: what type of parent do you believe you are? Would a judge think you were a good parent if they could see your behavior, even outside of the courtroom, during the case? Do your decisions reflect a parent that puts the needs of their children ahead of themselves? It’s important to understand that your day-to-day actions and words—whether done and said in the heat of an emotional conversation with ex or not— will make their way to the judge if your case goes to trial. And if you are reading this and thinking this won’t happen in your specific situation, I implore you to think again.

Emotions and feelings of betrayal or entitlement aside, you need to understand what any judge hearing your child custody case will be concerned with.

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Judges are concerned with the “moral fitness” or character of the person standing in front of them and that person’s ability to make good decisions as a parent. Yes, that means that whether you like it or not, or you think it is fair or not, your judge will use the evidence that is presented to her in your trial as the basis of determining your character. That means your judge is tasked by the law to make their best decision about who are you as a parent, and whether you truly put your kids’ best interests first, without the benefit of having seen who you may have been before you found yourself in this awful situation. So what do you do to ensure that your judge sees you in the light you see yourself as your children’s parent? Here are some DOs and DON’Ts I recommend to my own clients to help them prevail in their child custody cases:

1. DO stay active with your children’s education, regardless of where your kids are currently staying during the school week.

Attend all parent/teacher conferences, and stay in weekly contact with your kids’ teachers through email, by telephone or in person.
Be proactive about addressing issues your children may be having in school.
Make it a priority to attend all of your kids’ extracurricular activities, even if that’s something you and your ex used to divide and conquer. It’s a whole new world during a child custody dispute, and your focus should be on the importance of your kids’ education and development.

2. DO get your kids counseling, even even if it’s just a few sessions with a therapist who can help them work through their new realities.

Every child copes with change in his own way. Even if you think your children are handling things well, every child in the middle of a custody war between two adults they probably love benefits from having a neutral third party they can talk to about their feelings. Your children need to feel safe while this process is ongoing. And remember, your children feel your anxiety and frustration, even when you don’t think they are paying attention, take care of their mental health.

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3. DON’T date during your divorce!

Instead, DO focus on your kids because it shows the court that you are placing the children’s needs ahead of your own.
But what if I really, really need to date? I am going to restate what I just said, in case you skipped over it to get to this section: DON’T date during your divorce. However, if you do choose to date,
DON’T introduce the children to your significant others. Be mindful that your children are struggling emotionally with the breakup of the family. If your significant other is important to you, and there is a genuine chance that they are going to remain in your life after the case, then they will understand that there will be a more appropriate time in the future for you to introduce them to your children.
That definitely means DON’T have your significant other spend the night when you have your kids!
DON’T spend the night away from home unless it is for business (and if it is for business, DO keep documentation). Staying the night away from home can show, once again, that your needs come before your children’s. And, it can be misread as a possible affair.
Even if you were never married to the other parent and are in the middle of a child custody battle, take note. Having multiple new people in and out of the children’s lives is not going to be viewed as healthy or appropriate by your judge. So, DON’T do it.

4. DON’T use social media. For more insights into why I think my clients are best served taking a social media break during a child custody case, see a recent post I wrote on this very topic.

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5. DON’T be insane!

That means DON’T engage in name calling, arguing, or using foul language in front of your kids. They’re already dealing with enough. Your inappropriate behavior toward your children’s other parent— in front of your children no less— demonstrates a lack of discretion, and it places your children on the front line of the war.
DON’T be insane in your written communications, either.
DO make sure that all verbal and written communication to the other parent is relevant to your children.
DO remember: Anything you put in writing can and will show up in court. If you send it, the judge may read it.
DO ask yourself before you hit send: Is what I am saying in this email or text really how I want the judge to see me? If the answer isn’t a resounding ‘YES’, delete it.
DON’T disparage your kids’ other parent in front of them.
Instead, DO focus your activities around your kids when they are with you.
DON’T spend what should be quality time with your children making sarcastic comments about your ex to them, or to others in front of them. By doing so, you may be unintentionally making your kids feel like they have to take sides on which parent they like more.
I’m guessing none of you really wanted things to go this way, but your kids are the ones with the least control in these situations, so DON’T add to their stress by making them feel like they are the frayed rope in an angry game of tug-of-war.
DON’T stalk, harass, or repeatedly call your ex. The last thing you need to have happen is the judge to call your mental health into question. And engaging those types of behaviors will certainly give the judge cause to ponder your character as a person and as a fit parent.
DON’T fight at encounters or exchanges. You are there to drop off or pick up your children, not to engage in battle with the other parent. And if you are having issues with the other parent’s behavior at exchanges, DO document the exchanges via video.

6. DO continue taking your kids to church if that’s what you’ve done historically.

DO feel free to enroll them in church-related activities that are age appropriate.
However, if you and your children have no history of church attendance prior to the custody case, DON’T use your new-found interest in church as a reason to try to prohibit the other parent from weekend parenting time.

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This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised:

7. DON’T do anything illegal.

DON’T get arrested. Really, if you can’t stop yourself from doing things that could during your child custody case, why would the judge have any reason to believe you should be the parent who is awarded custody?
DON’T even risk the seemingly “silly little things” like driving without a license.
If your license has been revoked or suspended, DON’T drive. Doing so shows complete disregard for the law. Judges don’t like that.
DON’T use drugs and/or alcohol.
You may be required by the court to take a drug screen.If the other party has alleged that you have a history of illegal drug use—DO voluntarily obtain a drug screen during the case.
And, above all else, DON’T test “dirty” on any mandatory drug screens. That’s a sure way to say ‘goodbye’ to being granted custody of your children.

8. DO behave as though all of your activities are being documented by a private investigator and will be used at trial.

It’s not uncommon for private investigators to be hired in custody cases. Who knows your habits better than your ex? They know where you party. If they are attempting to make you look bad, what better way than to get video footage of you drunk at the bar. And while we are on the topic of bars:

9. DON’T go to bars or nightclubs while your child custody case is ongoing. These types of activities will only make you look bad at trial, as there is no way to spin frequenting bars and acting like a drunk for a judge. Believe it or not, the risks of unintentionally behaving badly after a night at the bar far outweigh the benefits, even though it may not always feel that way.

It may feel like the DON’Ts outnumber the DOs at a point in time in your life when you already probably don’t feel like you have much control. This is when I remind my clients that even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, their child custody case is not going to last forever. Remember:

DO take your kids’ best interests into consideration before you say or do anything during a child custody case. Even if you believe you always have and do to this day, now is the time to be even more diligent. And honestly, your kids need it right now more ever. Custody battles are frustrating and hard. Judges make custody determinations specifically on whom they believe is really going to look out for your children’s best interests.

DO give the judge as many reasons as possible to like you not only as a parent, but also as a person, and to rule in your favor.

Fighting for your children is a hard enough process to go through.

DON’T make choices or mistakes that you could easily avoid. DO everything with the best outcome for your children in mind.

Ten Things “Not to Do Next” in Your Divorce

July 19, 2021 By Laurie Schmitt

You’ve heard it a million times that going through a divorce is difficult. As a West Michigan Divorce Attorney, I can state that divorce is full of challenging moments. However, with some common sense, you can avoid some common divorce pitfalls by following a few basic rules:

Don’t start a new relationship. Well, Duh! Need I say more. Respect the current relationship and see it to the end. Don’t confuse your children with introductions to new “friends” while in the midst of the divorce. Judges don’t appreciate it, as it shows a lack of good judgment. And it will only fuel the fire in the divorce proceeding. If this is a person you intend to have a serious relationship with at the conclusion of the divorce, then they will understand that this is not the appropriate time to be introduced to the children.
Couch surfing sucks! Don’t move out of the marital home without a plan. Changes will happen as you go through your divorce, so be prepared to deal with life as it comes at you. The biggest change clients struggle with is adapting to living on a now single income. During this turbulent time, you need to provide stability for your children. That means you need to provide an appropriate home for them while going through the divorce. So, don’t jump the gun and move out of the marital home without a solid financial plan, and a safe place for your children to visit or live.
Don’t share the details of your divorce with your children. Divorce doesn’t mean hide the fact that you are going through a divorce from your children. But there are certain facts that should remain between adults. Allow your children to be children for as long as possible. Remember, the changes taking place in your life are also taking place in theirs. It’s hard enough for children to cope with major life changes. They certainly shouldn’t be burdened with adult conversation and information about the divorce. Adult conversation is just that!

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Your children are not the Pony Express. Don’t use your children as a go between to relay messages to your spouse. If you are unable to speak to your spouse civilly, then hire an attorney to assist you. It will be their job to communicate with your spouse or spouse’s attorney during the divorce. But, don’t use your children as a form of communication between each other.
It wasn’t immaculate conception! Don’t think that because you are divorcing, you are the only parent. The children have two parents – and always will. Don’t force them to choose between their parents. They love both of you. So, avoid putting them in the middle of the hostility and anger.
Your children are not Olympic gold medal winners! Don’t use extra-curricular activities to monopolize your children’s free time. If they didn’t participate in the activity while you were married, they most likely don’t need to participate in the activity while the divorce is pending. Now is not the time to enroll them in an excessive amount of activities, especially if these activities take place on your spouse’s parenting time. If you can’t agree on extra-curricular activities, the rule should be that parenting time with the other parent is far more important than participation in an extra-curricular activity.
It’s not your way or the highway! We all know divorce is hard on children. It is hard enough for the children to acclimate to living in two households. Respect that there are now two households for the children, with two sets of rules. Although consistency is ideal, you can’t expect your soon to be ex-spouse to share in your beliefs and rules regarding discipline.
Avoid purchasing big ticket items while going through your divorce. It’s not the time to buy a new car or home. Wait until the dust settles, and you’ve reached a settlement agreement with your spouse. Your spouse could claim that you used marital money to finance your new car or home. It then may become a marital asset to be divided in the divorce.
Pay your bills. You need to continue to meet your obligations. If it is a joint debt, you remain obligated. There is life after divorce. And the consequences of your decisions during your divorce will follow you afterwards. Some people believe that getting a divorce means walking away from marital debt and starting over. No! You still have responsibilities – meet them.
Your bartender is not your counselor! Use discretion when talking about your divorce. Don’t over-share all the details of your divorce with your friends and colleagues. Refrain from making every conversation about the trials and tribulations of your divorce. Some things are better left private. And, after the divorce, you want your friends to be standing by you.

Don'ts

The following are some of the largest issues between divorced parties:

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