Collaborative Divorce

Why Can’t Parents Get Along? Four Common Sense Rules

February 2, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

So many issues in divorce or custody cases are simply brought on by the unwillingness of parents to get along for the sake of their children. And yes, I said “their”, as children have, want, and need two parents.

So, what can you do to make your situation better with the other parent? Four common-sense rules, if followed, would go a long way to making your relationship bearable or even better with the other parent:

Watch your tone when you speak to the other parent, as they may read into your tone a meaning that just wasn’t there. You both know each other better than most people, and can push each other’s buttons. So, try to keep your conversation respectful in tone and nature.
Don’t argue or have adult conversations in the presence of the children. Arguing and adult conversations between the two of you should take place privately, as children do not need to be placed between their parents.
Don’t discuss any ongoing court case with the children. When children know about pending litigation, it only stresses them out about their future.
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Don’t let the other parent lure you into making derogatory statements to them that can, and most likely will, be used against you in court. The golden rule: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

When dealing with the other parent, keep your focus on your children and their emotional needs. This is no longer about you, your anger, or your resentment for the other parent. This is about what your children need…two parents who can show them they are still loved by both parents, and that it is ok for them to love both of you. It’s not hard to be the positive role model your children need.

CHILDREN ARE FIRST. GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

At Schmitt Law, PLLC we understand that the interests of your children always come first. Whatever your situation, Schmitt Law, PLLC is experienced, sympathetic and willing to help you achieve the best outcome for your entire family. Contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

What Not To Do If You Are In A Custody Battle

January 31, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

It’s a commonplace when you’re fighting for your rights as a parent to have anger and resentment against the other parent. You feel you are being kept away from your child. You feel that everything you do is being held against you. You feel that you are living under a microscope. And most of all, you are scared that you may not be awarded the time you deserve with your child.

Many parents struggle with the feelings you may be going through. However, if you are in a custody battle, the worst thing you can do it let the other parent lure you into making bad decisions that will haunt you. The decisions you make now, may be the very decisions the judge uses against you when they rule on legal and physical custody of your child.

WHAT BAD DECISIONS SHOULD YOU PREVENT?

Don’t take the bait! If you are fighting for your rights as a parent, the following is a short list of behaviors to steer clear of:

Do not send foul emails or texts to the to the other parent. Two easy rules to remember: (1) communicate effectively with the other parent, or not at all. (2) Always say to yourself, “do I want the judge seeing this text or email?”. If it’s in writing, it may be used against you in court!
Don’t use your emotions to justify your bad behavior against the other parent. Because the other parent is acting badly does not mean that you need to respond in kind. There are only so many times your attorney can smooth things over with opposing counsel or the judge before all credibility is lost.
Don’t respond to negative communication. If communication from the other parent does not justify a response, or elicits a negative response from you, then do not respond. If a response is required, then take a step back and respond when you are able to do so appropriately.

ARE YOUR EMOTIONS RUNNING WILD?

Perhaps you should seek counseling or join a support group to help you through this. There is no shame in seeking help from a professional (or getting together in a support group with people going through similar matters). They can help you process and manage your feelings, and manage how you respond to her. The key is when you are upset, say nothing to the other parent. You can respond to them when you see fit (if at all). If your communication to them is filled with anger, and much of it is unnecessary (off topic from your child), then seek help.

Note…the judge will take into consideration how you communicate with the other parent when it comes to their decision about legal custody. How do you want the judge to view you…a good parent who loves their child…or an angry parent seeking revenge.

DOES YOUR BEHAVIOR REQUIRE MODIFICATION?

This question can only be answered by you looking deep within.

At Schmitt Law, PLLC, I want to be effective as your attorney. And to be effective, Schmitt Law, PLLC expects parents to be respectful and appropriate with the other parent. If you are not willing to modify how you address the other parent, I will be completely ineffective in helping you achieve your goals. It is your choice how your custody case moves forward. If you keep in front of you what is really important…your child and your time with them…it would never be a struggle or burden to modify inappropriate behavior. Schmitt Law, PLLC will do my part to fight for you. But what I ask in return is appropriate behavior from my clients.

GRAND RAPIDS CUSTODY ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

At Schmitt Law, PLLC, we help parents work together to create a parenting plan that is in the best interests of your children. Through mediation, collaboration, or litigation, if necessary, our knowledgeable Michigan family law attorney will be your advocate and help you through this difficult time. To schedule a consultation or learn more about our services, contact us online or call (616) 608-4634.

How Do You Divorce An Emotionally Abusive Spouse?

January 27, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

Divorce is a difficult enough process to navigate without the added element of an emotionally abusive spouse. What makes an emotionally abusive spouse so difficult to address during a divorce is they know exactly what to say to you to push your buttons. Their behavior is extremely effective as they know what your fears and insecurities are, and use them to their advantage when engaging with their abuse.

So, what can you do?

FIRST STEP

The first step to divorcing an emotionally abusive spouse is to understand what emotional abuse is. Emotional abuse can take on many forms such as financial control, keeping you physically isolated from your family and friends, not allowing you to work outside of the home, giving you the silent treatment, using words with you that are hurtful, critical and demeaning, and threatening to seek full custody of the children if you leave. If you identify what emotional abuse is, you can begin to understand that your spouse’s behaviors are not acceptable, and believe that you have the choice to stay or leave your marriage.

NEXT STEP

The next step to divorcing an emotionally abusive spouse is to admit to yourself that emotional abuse is taking place in your marriage and decide to take back the control. You need to seek empowerment. How do you take back the control and seek empower for yourself?

Get your own bank account. By doing so, you are taking back financial control of your money.
If you are not working, seek employment. If you earn your own money, it is easier to take back your financial freedom.
Remove yourself from your abusive spouse by moving out of the marital home while the divorce is pending. If this is not a viable option, move to another bedroom in the house.
Seek support through friends, family, a therapist, and/or support group.
Contact a family law attorney in your local area to discuss your legal options.

PREPARE FOR LITIGATION

If you are not already doing so, begin keeping a record of the abuse. When you’re a victim of bullying, it’s easy to feel helpless and fall into despair. Start logging the abusive behavior by taking note of the date and time, how the abuse occurred, being as detailed as you can. Provide this information to your family law attorney, as there may be options available through the court to set boundaries with your spouse (such as a personal protection order/civil restraining order).

If you take the time to understand how you can handle an abusive partner, you can make the divorce more bearable.

CONSIDERING DIVORCE? LEARN YOUR OPTIONS WITH SCHMITT LAW, PLLC. GRAND RAPIDS DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

Contemplating a divorce can be one of the hardest decisions to make in life. There are many complexities involving the divorce process, making it overwhelming for most. However, know that you are not alone, and help is available. At Schmitt Law, PLLC we are here to answer your questions, ease your concerns, and protect your rights. To book a consultation, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC online or by calling (616) 608-4634.

Is It Better To Get The Marital Home In The Divorce?

January 23, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

MISCONCEPTION: It’s better to get the marital home in the divorce.

FACT: Not necessarily. The following list is presented for your consideration as to why it may not be best in your situation to fight to keep the marital home post-divorce:

AFFORDABILITY
- You have reviewed your post-divorce budget and realize that the mortgage, taxes, and insurance on the marital home is more than you can afford paying on your own. It’s best not to be house poor after a divorce. You need to allow yourself time to get used to being single and supporting yourself on one income. And, planning for a post-divorce budget is always speculative…you won’t know your true budget until you are actually living on your own.
THE REAL COST OF HOME OWNERSHIP
- There is a lot more to the cost of owning a home than just a mortgage payment. Or even just basic house maintenance and making repairs. Some basic expenses required to operate a home may include annual property taxes, fees/dues, landscaping, snow removal, hazard insurance, utilities (water, sewer, gas, electric, propane), mortgage insurance, and internet/cable.
MAINTENANCE
- All homes require maintenance. You need to carefully consider if you are able to afford to pay for a professional to perform any maintenance/repairs that are necessary, or if you are you able to do the work on your own. And how much money should you allocate each month for maintenance. According to US News and Freddie Mac, homebuyers should actually budget up to 4% of the property’s value in annual maintenance costs. Now add that onto your mortgage, taxes, and insurance and ask yourself if the total places you in or out of your financial comfort zone. Once again, it’s important to carefully review your post-divorce budget and determine if you are able to maintain the marital home on your income.
DOES THE HOME MEET YOUR NEEDS POST-DIVORCE
- It may be that your marital home will not meet your needs after you are divorced. Perhaps it is too large. Or, it may be that you have retuned back to work and the marital home is not ideally located near your employment. Additionally, there may be too many emotions and bad memories tied to your marital home for you to happily remain. It just may be time to move on and start new with a home that is your very own. The decision to keep the marital home post-divorce is significant. If it is time to move on, create your new post-divorce budget. This will allow you to select a better home you can afford, saving time in your home search, and getting a house that you’ll love and enjoy, versus it being a stressful financial burden.

GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

Divorce can be emotional and messy, and it’s natural for anyone going through a divorce to want to protect their financial interests. Maintaining an objective view of the situation can be difficult when you are struggling with complex emotional issues and personal tensions in your divorce. As an experienced Michigan divorce lawyer, Schmitt Law, PLLC can help you maintain control over your property in divorce, and provide detailed guidance and support throughout every step of the process. The right attorney can increase the likelihood of you securing a favorable outcome to property division in your divorce.

Laurie Schmitt of Schmitt Law, PLLC has years of experience representing clients in a wide range of difficult divorce cases. We understand the financial concerns our clients often have regarding their property ownership rights and the doubts they often experience when it comes to property division in divorce. If you are seeking a divorce, contact us today to schedule a consultation. Contact Schmitt Law, PLLC online or by calling (616) 608-4634 for a consultation today.

What Happens To Private Club Memberships After The Divorce?

January 20, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

Do you and your spouse have a private club membership that you acquired in your marriage? Have you agreed how you will divide it?

HOW DOES THE COURT LOOK AT PRIVATE CLUB MEMBERSHIPS?

The court considers private club memberships an asset/property of the marriage that must be addressed in the divorce action. Therefore, your Judgment of Divorce must address ownership of any private club memberships.

IS YOUR INTEREST MORE THAN JUST A PRIVATE CLUB MEMBERSHIP?

Often, private club memberships are more than just a club membership. They can be a significant part of your social world. You and your children may have friends at the club, and these relationships are important for you to maintain. The emotional aspect of a private club membership makes it even more difficult to decide who will retains the private club membership.

SO, HOW DO WE DIVIDE THE PRIVATE CLUB MEMBERSHIP?

Before you engage in litigation over the private club membership, consider the following:

What is the monthly and/or yearly fees associated with maintaining these memberships?
Are you able to afford the membership on your new budget post-divorce? If you have not created a post-divorce budget, you may want to do so prior to committing to retaining the private club membership.
After the divorce, how often will you use the membership? Review your actual use and benefit received from your private club membership. What privileges does your private club membership offer, and how often do you use those benefits.
Is it worth the financial investment for you to maintain the membership?
Did you and/or your spouse sign a membership contract? If so, does it discuss terms of division of the membership if you divorce? If there is a contract, it may already define the terms regarding which spouse may maintain the membership post-divorce.
Does the contract allow for you and your spouse to create new memberships post-divorce (each having their own membership). If so, do you want to maintain a membership at a club that your ex-spouse is a member of?

To conclude, before you start the fight, thought should go into what benefit you will gain from retaining the private club membership and whether you can afford to maintain the private club membership post-divorce. As divorce changes our economic position, perhaps it no longer makes sense to fight to maintain your private club membership.

GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

Divorce can be emotional and messy, and it’s natural for anyone going through a divorce to want to protect their property interests such as a private club membership. Maintaining an objective view of the situation can be difficult when you are struggling with complex emotional issues and personal tensions in your divorce. As an experienced Michigan divorce lawyer, Schmitt Law, PLLC can help you maintain control over your property in divorce, and provide detailed guidance and support throughout every step of the process. The right attorney can increase the likelihood of you securing a favorable outcome to property division in your divorce.

Is There Value To An Apology In Divorce?

January 16, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

WHAT IS AN APOLOGY?

Merriam-Webster defines an apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret”.

HOW DOES AN APOLOGY FIT IN A DIVORCE?

But, how does an apology play a role when couples are divorcing, and what is the value in offering an apology to your spouse? An apology can re-establish dignity to your spouse, letting them know you have made mistakes that have hurt them.

There are times when clients seem to get “stuck” …they just can’t seem to move forward. It’s clear they are unable to reach an agreement and resolve their divorce until their anger issues are addressed.

What has caused the anger in their marriage can be many things such as their spouse having an emotional and/or physical affair – causing feelings of betrayal. Or, perhaps they feel taken advantage – that they never felt appreciated in the marriage. Often, it’s these feelings that prevent them from “concluding” the marriage, and reaching a final agreement.

IT MUST BE A SINCERE APOLOGY

A true apology from their spouse can free them from their anger, resentment, or frustration, allowing them to move forward and end their marriage with dignity. So, an apology can play a large role in keeping the divorce process on track. And the value is the same …that is allows the divorce to move forward to a conclusion.

But the apology must be a “true apology”, one that recognizes you have done something wrong and expresses your regret for the act. If the wronged spouse believes there is an expression of regret or remorse, the apology can be accepted, and the case can move to the next step: agreement. Remember, an effective apology can hep heal, while an ineffective apology can cause more pain.

If you intend to apologize to your spouse, you need to fully own the behavior you are apologizing for. And your apology needs to be sincere. You need to effectively acknowledge that you are actually sorry for something you have done for your apology to be accepted. An effective apology must validate the other’s pain.

BEFORE YOU APOLOGIZE, TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY

Note, if you intend to offer an apology to your spouse while in the midst of a divorce, you should talk to your attorney before any apology is offered. The specifics of your apology can harm your divorce case in that any admissions of wrongdoing to your spouse may find its way into a divorce trial. So, offering an apology can be tricky, and should be carefully considered and discussed with you attorney before doing so.

GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

We understand that filing for divorce can be an emotional and confusing experience. That’s why we are committed to providing personalized service to each client we represent and will be with you through this difficult journey. At Schmitt Law, PLLC we encourage clients to take a more collaborative approach to divorce that promotes positive communication and cooperation. Through mediation or the collaborative divorce process, Laurie guides her clients through amicable divorce settlements so they can move forward with their life. To discuss your circumstances and legal options, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation. Or, contact us online to arrange a consultation.

Can You Kick Your Spouse Out Of The House During Your Divorce?

January 13, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

You want to file for a divorce. And the thought of living with your spouse while going through the divorce process is frightening. You want to have peace in your home while you await your final hearing, and wonder if you can make your spouse move out of the marital home. The answer to your question is “maybe”.

If you seek to have your spouse removed from the marital home, you would file a motion for exclusive use and possession of the marital home, schedule a hearing, and be heard by the judge assigned to your divorce case.

WHAT IS EXCLUSIVE USE AND POSSESSION OF THE MARITAL HOME

Exclusive use and possession of the marital home is when one spouse is granted the right to stay and live the marital home while the divorce is pending, requiring the other spouse to move out involuntarily.

WHEN MUST MY SPOUSE MOVE OUT

If you are granted exclusive use and possession of the marital home, your spouse will be required to move out immediately or by a specific date determined by the judge. Your spouse will then be prohibited from returning to the marital home for any reason.

HOW DO JUDGES MAKE THEIR DECISION

Judges will look at many factors when ruling on request for exclusive use and possession of the marital home. They look to see if there is domestic violence – if your spouse is assaulting or threatening you or your children. They are looking for behavior of your spouse that reaches a level the judge would believe to be harmful to you or your children.

WHEN YOU WILL NOT BE GRANTED EXCLUSIVE USE AND POSSESSION OF THE MARITAL HOME

You will not prevail on a motion for exclusive use and possession of the marital home simply because it is “uncomfortable” to live with your spouse. Your justification must reach a level that the judge believes there is domestic violence taking place in the home.

IF I AM GRANTED EXCLUSIVE USE AND POSSESSION OF THE MARITAL HOME CAN I CHANGE THE LOCKS

If you are granted exclusive use and possession of the marital home, you have the right to change the locks – and should do so immediately to prevent your spouse from returning to the marital home when you are not present.

WHO PAYS THE MORTGAGE OR RENT

If you are granted exclusive use and possession of the marital home, you may be required to be responsible for the expenses of the marital home (mortgage/rent, utilities, taxes, and insurance).

The judge will look at the financial situation of you and your spouse and determine who will have the financial responsibilities of payment of the expenses of the marital home through the pendency of the divorce. Be aware that there is a risk associated with a request for exclusive use and possession of the marital home, as these expenses can be assessed to you, your spouse, or a percentage allocated to both of you.

GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

If you are contemplating or in the process of a divorce or separation, contact the Michigan divorce attorney, Schmitt Law, PLLC. Our office understands that family law matters often involve complex relationships and dynamics that can enhance decision-making stress. We provide clients with the security to approach these challenges with confidence. Our dedicated attorney will provide clients with individualized attention and strategic case preparation to address all parts of their cases. We invite you to contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

Divorce Plaintiff Or Defendant – Does It Matter Who Files?

January 9, 2023 By Laurie Schmitt

Does it matter if you are the filing spouse in the divorce action (known as Plaintiff) or you are the responding spouse (known as Defendant)? The quick answer is no. Whether you or your spouse file the Complaint for Divorce, it does not place you in a better or worse position with the court.

MOST COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS SHARED WITH SCHMITT LAW, PLLC AS IT RELATES TO FILLING A DIVORCE ACTION:

I will receive more in the divorce settlement if I file the divorce
I will be given preference by the judge if I file the divorce
The judge will automatically believe my spouse is bad simply because I filed the divorce
The judge will automatically favor me, or have sympathy for my situation because I filed the divorce
If I am the defendant in a divorce action, I will be treated differently than the Plaintiff
If I file the divorce, I will automatically be given custody of the children
In the reverse, if I am the Defendant, I will not be given custody of the children
Plaintiffs always win and Defendants always lose in a divorce action

THE TRUTH

To summarize, it doesn’t matter to the court which spouse files the divorce action. In the State of Michigan, division of personal and real property are determined based on what is equitable and fair – and not on which spouse filed the divorce action.

And in the State of Michigan, custody and parenting time are determined based on the best interests of the minor children – and not on which spouse filed the divorce action.

GRAND RAPIDS COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SERVING KENT, OTTAWA, AND ALLEGAN COUNTY.

If you filed for divorce, or are considering filing in the near future, contact the Michigan family law attorney at Schmitt Law, PLLC. We have extensive experience handling all types of Michigan divorce cases and the related issues that frequently come up in the divorce process, including spousal support, child custody, and child support. We provide custom-tailored legal advice and solutions for clients. To learn more about how we can help you through the divorce process, contact Schmitt Law, PLLC today by completing our online contact form, or calling us at (616) 608-4634 to schedule a consultation.

Collaborative Divorce

Footer